Well remembered Tony! Yep, Avon was the one everybody most expected to stab Blake in the back whenever it suited him! The computer was Orac and like you said, he might have been a small transparent flashing box but he probably had more smug arrogance than any other AI on the screen, before or after!
Researching these old characters is certainly shaking my memory cells too Alan!
And so to Number 2! Tony, you were so close when you said a
Monty Python film as the answer to this one is
“Time Bandits” (Well done Kev!)
a fantasy film which
was a Python film in all but name!
The Time Bandits in the title refers to a gang of dwarves who were employed by the
“Supreme Being” (God) to repair the cracks in the fabric of the universe. Being a very opportunistic bunch they realised that by stealing God’s map of creation, they could use the cracks to travel through time stealing treasures from key points in history. The hero of the story is a young boy named Kevin whose bedroom contains one of the cracks!
After being woken up by a fully armoured knight on horseback riding out of his wardrobe, Kevin stocks up with food and his polaroid camera and waits for the next apparition which turns out to be the gang of dwarves on the run from God (
B-B-bring back the M-mmap you stole fr-from m-m-me!)
He didn't have a stutter - it just comes across like that in the film! The gang finds that Kevin’s bedroom wall slides away revealing an infinite corridor down which they flee taking Kevin with them.
If I remember the sequences correctly it goes like this:
They arrive at
Napoleon’s camp during one of his conquests where the diminutive dictator, fed up with being surrounded by tall Generals (
“It’s like being at the bottom of a bloody well!”) makes the dwarves new Generals (
“For a bit”) During supper the gang gets old Boney drunk and when he falls asleep they nick all his stolen valuables and leg it for the next ‘wormhole’.
Next they arrive in
Sherwood Forest where they meet a surreal looking
Robin Hood played by
John Cleese (I loved his stupid hat!) who promptly relieves them of their loot and distributes it to the poor (each of whom gets a punch in the face whilst receiving it!) The dwarves manage to escape from Hood’s gang but in the confusion, Kevin runs through a second gateway, which suddenly appears and loses the gang.
Ancient Greece – just outside of Mycenae,
King Agamemnon (
Sean Connery)is losing a fight with a Minotaur. The monster parries the King’s spear and snaps off the point before clubbing Agamemnon to the ground. About to finish him off, Kevin suddenly emerges from mid air and lands on the fallen King, taken unawares the Minotaur steps back in surprise giving the King long enough to grab the broken spearpoint and throw it, spearing the monster and killing it. Grateful for the diversion Agamemnon takes Kevin back to Mycenae (the scene of the King’s arrival where the watch tower guard is polishing the huge horn is pure Monty Python!) there he is treated as a hero, eventually becoming the adopted son of Agamemnon much to his Queen’s disgust (in the original legend she murders her husband after his return from the Trojan Wars). To celebrate the adoption the King orders a huge feast with Kevin the guest of honour. Part way through the celebrations a dance troupe of three pantomime animals separates into six, revealing themselves to be the gang of dwarves come to ‘rescue’ Kevin (along with as much gold and treasure as they can grab, including Agamemnon’s golden crown!) Despite his protestations, Kevin is dragged away with them through the next wormhole leaving the King at first delighted with the trick and then perplexed when he realises Kevin is gone!
In the next scene the dwarves are all relaxing and enjoying themselves in Tuxedos on the deck of an ocean liner, all except Kevin who didn’t want to leave his adopted father. Drinking champagne the dwarves order “More ice Waiter!” The waiter hurries off for the ice, passing a lifebelt marked
RMS Titanic!
After the inevitable the gang are thrown into the water as the ship goes down – “
It’s not my fault” the leader shouts, “
It didn’t say Get off before the iceberg on the tickets did it!” At this point, another major character takes over one of the dwarves (the thickest one!) and speaks through him telling the others the only way out is to wish themselves to a parallel reality populated by creatures from myth and legend. This other character is “
Evil” – basically the Devil who has been imprisoned in the
Fortress of Ultimate Darkness since the start of creation. This Devil is desperately trying to learn all about modern technology so he can control it and escape to rule all creation. Evil is not a nice person to be around, in one scene he describes himself as ‘All Powerful’ which leads one of his minions to ask “
If you are all powerful, why are we trapped in this Fortress?” Evil blows him to pieces with a wave of his hand and then casually replies “
That’s a good question!” (He then explains that being imprisoned is all part of HIS grand plan to conquer all creation!)
Kevin and the gang are whisked off to the land of myth and legend in a huge water spout where they are netted (literally) by an Ogre with a dodgy back and his wife on board of their ancient wooden ship. Eventually, after disposing of Mr and Mrs Ogre overboard, a huge Japanese giant surfaces beneath the ship and wears it like a hat until he comes ashore. Just before he removes his ship-hat the dwarves build a huge syringe and inject a sleeping drug into his scalp causing him to fall asleep. Freed at last the gang makes its way to the Fortress where they are captured by Evil who is searching for their map. They manage to keep it hidden however and escape from their hanging wooden cages. Kevin and one of the dwarves (who gets turned into a two legged pig by Evil) keep the baddies busy whilst the others use the wormholes to gather heroes from throughout history to come back and fight evil including Greek archers, knights in armour, cowboys on horseback. A dwarf in a laser equipped flying thingy and a Sherman tank!
It is during the hunt for Kevin and Pig-dwarf that we meet these horrors – the Fortress Guards (or Wraiths according to some accounts) These things really gave me the willies! One armed ‘dead things’ with a horrible scream like a horse and pig squeal combined! The basis for this figure was the walking BAR gunner which frankly wasn’t much use for anything else!
The cloak and skull are all Milliput as was the ‘sickle’ claw.
If you want to know how the great battle turns out you’ll have to see the movie – but it
is hilarious!
For the next answer, we’re off to the blue Police Box!
Robin.
Plymouth57 attached the following image(s):
First wooden ship:
The Grimsby 12 Gun 'Frigate' by Constructo Second:
Bounty DelPrado Part Works Third:
HMS Victory DelPrado Part Works 1/100 scale
Diorama of the Battle of the Brandywine from the American Revolutionary War Diorama of the Battle of New Falkland (unfinished sci-fi), Great War Centenary Diorama of the Messines Ridge Assault
Index for the Victory diary is on page 1
US
