I found this trolling the net and just had to post it here
Politically Correct Nelson At Trafalger
Nelson:"Order the signal,Hardy."
Hardy:"Aye,aye sir."
Nelson:"Hold on,that's not what I dictated to Flags.What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy:"Sorry sir?"
Nelson(reading aloud):"England expects every person to do his or her duty,regardless of race,gender,sexual orientation,religious persuasion or disability.'-What gobledegook is this?"
Hardy:"Admiralty policy,I'm afraid,sir.We're an equal opportunities employer now.We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,lest it be considered racist."
Nelson:"Gadzooks,Hardy.Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy:"Sorry sir.All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson:"In that case,break open the rum ration.Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy:"The rum ration has been abolished,Admiral.It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson:"Good heavens,Hardy.I suppose we'd better get on with it.........full speed ahead."
Hardy:"I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson:"Damn it man!We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.We must advance with all dispatch.Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy:"That won't be possible,sir."
Nelson:"What?"
Hardy:"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest,sir.No harness;and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson:"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,Hardy."
Hardy:"He's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson:"Wheelchair access?I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy:"Health and Safety again,sir.We have to provide a barrier-free enviroment for the differently abled."
Nelson:"Differently abled?I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy:"Actually,sir,you did.The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson:"Whatever next?Give me full sail.The salt spray beckons."
Hardy:"A couple of problems there too,sir.Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt-haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson:"I've never heard such infamy.Break out the cannon and tell the men to engage the enemy."
Hardy:"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone,Admiral."
Nelson:"What?This is mutiny!"
Hardy:"It's not that,Sir.It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board,watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson:"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy:"Actually,sir,we're not."
Nelson:"We're not?"
Hardy:"No,sir.The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.According to the Common Fisheries Policy,we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson:"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy:"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir.You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson:"You must consider every man an enemy,who speaks ill of your king."
Hardy:"Not any more,sir.We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.Now put on your kevlar vest;it's the rules.It could save your life."
Nelson:"Don't tell me-health and safety.What ever happened to rum,sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy:"As I explained,sir,rum is off the menu!And there is a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson:"What about sodomy?"
Hardy:"I believe that is now legal,sir."
Nelson:"In that case................kiss me,Hardy."
Rgds Nigel
US
